The Alpha Couriers Jokes Page

A mother and father took their son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs that were bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the lounge and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks. "Well, Mum, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Did u hear about the english n french cat havin a race in the sea? the english one was called one two three and the french one was called ern dern twa ... the english one won because ern dern twa cat sank

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me £25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed: "Mm-hmmph."

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining"

Two packets of crisps were walking down the road, a car pulls up and says "hey, do you want a lift?" One packet of crisps replies "no it's ok were walkers"

In the barbers customer gets in the chair and says "can i have a Tellie Savales (kojak)"Barber cuts his hair and says "that will be £5 please" man pays and leaves. Next a black man in queue gets in chair and says "can i have a Tellie Savales?" Barber cuts his hair and says that will be £8 please" The black man replies "but the guy before was only charged £5" Barber replies "but colour Tellies are more expensive!"

A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor. The doctor came out and told the patient that he has some bad news to share. "You are going to die," he said. "When will I die?" the patient asked. "Ten," the doctor replied. The patient, wondering, asked, "Ten what? Years, months, days ...? Tell me doc, I gotta know." "Nine," the doctor said.

A guys walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you." To which the guy replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."

Why do men always pay more for car insurance? Women don't get blow-jobs while they're behind the wheel.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

There was a farmer who had ten pigs that wouldn't mate with each other, so one night he put them in his van and he took them into the forest and had sex with each one hoping they might learn how to do it with each other. HE took them home. Next day they still weren't mating so he took them into the forest and had sex with them again and took them home. On the third day the farmer asked his wife, if the pigs were mating yet, she said 'no, they're in the back of your van, waiting.'

A boy was in the kitchen with his mum (she was cooking a meal for somepeople coming round for tea). She was cutting up the chicken and cuts herself and says "fuck". The little boy says "what does fuck mean?" His mum replies "oh, it just means cutting the chicken". A while later the boy goes to the bathroom while his dad is shaving. His dad also cuts himself and sayd "shit" si the little boy asks what shit means and his dad tells him that it just means shaving. so. later that night the boy answers the door and the couple says to him, "where are your mum and dad?" the boy replies "oh my mum is in the kitchen fucking the chicken and my dad is shitting himself in the bathroom!"

How do you get an archaeologist embarrassed? get a used tampon and ask him from which period it is.

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies round town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

An Irishman is starting work on a building site. When he arrives for work, his boss gives him a pair of boots. One boot has a big `R' on it, the other an `L'. Paddy's not sure about this and asks his boss what the letters are for. "Well, it's easy:" the boss explains. "The `L' boot is for your left foot, and the `R' boot is for your right." "Oh, I see!", says the the enlightened Paddy. "Now I know why the wife buys her knickers from C & A !"

HEALTH PLAN The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

...The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "what are you doing in here?!?" She said, Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "you'll wake your mother!"

A rich husband and wife are being served dinner by their chef and the man perks up and says to his wife: "You know, if you could cook, we could fire the chef." To this the wife responds: "If you could f**k, we could fire the chauffeur!"

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." "The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumour. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000 and the woman's brain is $30,000." The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "the female brain has been used."

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

A woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm. "Where'd you get that pig?" asks the barman. "It's not a pig, it's a dog." says the woman. "I wasn't talking to you." said the barman

A 3 foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of poo. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of poo, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid st do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the f**r because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to harass the kid. Preacher: aren't you a little young to be drinking, son? Kid: That's nothing; I got laid when I was three. Preacher: What?! How did that happen? Kid: I don't remember. I was drunk

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants. "Is that painful?" the barman asks. "It's driving me nuts!" the man replies.

A man was walking along the road, when he heard chanting coming from behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13," the people were saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13," they were getting louder. Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but it was too high. "13 13 13." The people had speeded up. "13 13 13." The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13." There, a small knot hole. "13 13 13." The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the hole. "13 13 13." Then a finger poked him in the eye! "14 14 14 14 14 14."

Murphy is staggering home from the pub after a long night of drinking, alas with one foot up on the curb, and the other down in the gutter. The policeman on patrol recognizes him and shouts, "Murphy! Get outta the street! You've one foot on the sidewalk, and one in the gutter! You're stinkin" drunk!" To which Murphy replies, "Ahhh, thank Jesus! I thought I was crippled!"

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "Splat! " He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

the queen mother parts from this world and onto the next and in doing so bumps into princess Di, they begin a loving conversation when all of a sudden the queen mum looks at Di and asks where she could get a fancy halo Di replies "fxck off granny this aint no halo its a fxcking steering wheel!!"

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